I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
