hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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