It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
