and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
