Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
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