you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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