I cannot find my penis.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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