the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
