Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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