Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
