I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
