dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
