he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
