I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
