ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
