Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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