His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
