Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
