then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
