guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
