That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
