you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
