Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
