just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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