I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
