Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
May the power of my ass compel you!!
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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