meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
