perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
