I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
