i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Buhtt sex?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
