In the future we'll all be gay
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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