i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You were trust falling into bushes
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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