Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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