Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
