After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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