its not stalking. its research.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Randomize
