sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
