dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
