dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
