I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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