Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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