the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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