do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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