Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
