Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
