chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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