Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
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If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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