I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
