We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
My sheets look like a crime scene.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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