I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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