It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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