he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
