those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
