You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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