You just made me feel so damn special
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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