i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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