Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
