my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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