i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
