you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
