I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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