Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
