Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
